We went out with some buddies, all our junior, on Saturday night and while we certainly enjoyed ourselves heartily we couldn't help but feel old. Of course we were were inbibing on Mill Avenue, an entertainment strip near the Arizona State campus that even during the summer months remains primarily a co-ed destination and isn't at all geezer-friendly. Anyway, rather than make small talk with girls young enough to be our nieces, we jotted down a few warning signs that led us to conclude that we're definitely way to old to be anywhere near Mill Avenue on a Saturday Night. What follows may shock you.

You know you're too old for Mill Avenue when...

... an embarrassed young lady quickly apologizes for cussing in your presence

... you recognize less than 25 percent of the songs you hear

... you find the idea of standing in a line to enter a bar completely ridiculous and won't be a party to it

... someone hands you a flyer or business card promoting some lame new club and you politely say thank-you

... you send beer back when it doesn't meet your temperature requirements

... you urge precocious girls to cover up because dressing like a harlot is no way to woo a gentleman caller

... you choose to focus on the Marlins vs. Dodgers rather than the three girls making out in the booth behind you

... you feel overdressed in chinos and wouldn't ever consider wearing a ball cap "out"

... 11 p.m. is "getting late"

... brown liquor gives you heartburn

... shots aren't even considered an option

... you notice the bartender's earrings but a buddy has to alert you to the fact that she's not wearing a bra

... you seriously consider ordering the French dip sandwich but would like to see the sodium content first

... after spotting a pack of American Spirit heaters on the bar, you remark to the hipster owner, "Cool branding! Are those new to the market?"

... after bumping into you, a tattooed douche in a fedora says, "My bad, pops"

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Miller High Life

Is High Life really considered a Hipster beer? I seriously had no idea. Latte, if you created this bingo card yourself and have any insight, it would be appreciated. Thanks.

Clarence Swamptown , July 28, 2009

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